Addie On The Brain
by Mary Rose
Summary: What if Derek had to preform brain surgery on Addison? Could this be a way for them to find their way back to each other? I know doctors aren't supposed to operate on family members and I do deal with that issue in the story. And I used to hate the title but it's grown on me and I hope the readers enjoyed the story as much as I did. Thank you.
1. Chapter 1

So, this is my first fanfic in this fandom. I'm a fairly new fan, just got into the show a couple of years ago via Lifetime reruns, so I've only seen the seasons that Lifetime shows before they cycle back to the beginning again. I haven't even seen all the episodes that that channel shows. But at some point I started shipping Addison and Derek and I have decided to try my hand at writing in this fandom. I'm pretty sure my timeline for this story doesn't actually match up to the show timeline, so I'd guess this is Alternate Timeline rather than Alternate Universe. But anyway, this is a story that I wanted to read and I couldn't find any with this plotline so I did it myself. Hope you enjoy.

Chapter 1

Addison Montgomery Shepherd strode down the halls of Seattle Grace Hospital with her head held high, which was not an easy thing to do these days. She was well aware of the gossip, the whispers, and the talk that stopped as soon as she came near. As far as everyone was concerned, she was the one that broke up a couple that everyone loved, Meredith and Derek. Never mind that she and Derek were still legally married. Nope. She was the villain in the piece.

Of course, a lot of that was Derek's doing. Her husband, who called her Satan. Yes, she had cheated first. She owned that. But never had she flaunted the affair, or more correctly, the one night stand in his face as he was doing to her now.

Sometimes she wished he would just sign the divorce papers and get it over with. Like pulling a band aid off a cut. It would hurt like hell at first but then it would be over and the healing could really start.

Unlike this torture, which would seemingly never be over.

The stress of it all was probably why for the last couple of weeks she'd had severe headaches that aspirin and ibuprofen hadn't even taken the edge off of. She thought about making an appointment with Archer to get to the bottom of them. She wasn't absolutely sure, of course, but she was probably developing migraines. 'Thanks, Derek,' she thought, sarcastically.

But, yes, since they were weren't that debilitating yet and the last thing she wanted was to be more fodder for the hospital gossip mill, making an appointment with her brother was the best option. She'd do it after work today. Then she'd know when to book a flight and time off.

Right now she was headed to the cafeteria. Meredith and all her little friends would be there but she refused to be intimidated by them or anyone. She would face the fire. She could do it because of who she was.

Surrounded by the stares and the whispers, she knew she needed fortification of the best kind. She needed coffee. So she made a beeline for the machine. Once she had some caffeine in her she knew she'd feel lots better. Because she really felt shitty. And then suddenly she was swaying and before she knew it, blackness had overtaken her.


	2. Chapter 2

Wow! Such a warm welcome. Thank you everyone. *blows kisses* Now since the majority of this story is already written I can update fairly quickly. I'm thinking weekly. But the chapters are short. I did get requests for longer chapters, so I'll see what I can do on that score. I'm also sorry the author's note wasn't separated from the story in the last chapter. I'll rectify that by actually typing letters. And in future, I can forgo these notes entirely. Just tell me if they're too annoying. It won't hurt my feelings; I promise.

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Chapter 2

"W-where am I? What happened?"

"You're on a couch in my office. As for what happened, well, that's what we all want to know."

Oh, shit! That was Derek's voice. As Addison slowly got her bearings back she could see him, Richard Webber and Miranda Bailey standing around her. Shit! Shit! Shit! Could things get any worse?

"You fainted."

So much for avoiding becoming any more fodder for the hospital gossip mill. And now Derek and everyone would find out which was the last thing she wanted. Or maybe not. Maybe, just maybe. "Just the result of not eating enough. I'm fine. I'll take the rest of the day off and come in as good as new for tomorrow. O.K." She flashed them her brightest smile. Hopefully, they'd buy it.

That hope was soon shattered. "No, Addison. Fainting can be caused by that but in this case, we don't think it is. What's really going on?" That was Richard. Of course. She should have known it wouldn't be that easy to fool them. That would just have made things easier on her and since when did the universe ever want to make things easier on her?

She frantically searched her mind for something plausible to tell them. "The truth would be the best thing to tell us, Addie. Easier to remember than any lie you're trying to come up with." Richard again.

Fuck. She was beaten and she knew it. "All right. For the past couple of weeks I've been getting these wicked headaches that aspirin and ibuprofen barely take the edge off. But I'm going to call Archer and get an appointment. It's most likely migraines from all the stress I'm under." Addison looked meaningfully at Derek. Maybe she could make him feel guilty enough that he'd drop it. Of course that was a futile hope. The man was torturing her for fun and profit. Guilt with regards to anything concerning her was a foreign concept to him. In his eyes, she was the guilty party and everything was always her fault.

Which, all right. Some things were her fault. The sleeping with Mark thing. Sure. That was all on her. But Derek had done things, or more accurately not done things that had driven her to it. Sure, maybe there would have been a healthier way of handling things, but since when did Montgomerys ever handle things in a healthy way? Apparently she hadn't been a Shepherd long enough to absorb better coping skills. Not that the Shepherds were the Bradys or Partridges or even the Ingalls. But they were sure more emotionally healthy than her family.

"Too late for that. I'll diagnose and treat you. I want a CT scan done ASAP." He was speaking to Richard and Miranda.

Great, just great. What she'd wanted to avoid at all costs was now coming to pass.

"Derek, that's really not necessary." She had finally found her voice. "I was going to take care of it myself."

He glared at her. "You were? When?"

She bristled at his tone. "As a matter of fact I was going to ask Richard for some time off today. Then I was going to fly home and see Archer. " She turned to Richard. "So, yeah, can I have some time off so I can go take care of this?"

Richard started to speak but then Derek interrupted him. Of course.

"Did you not hear what I said? I think it's pretty obvious you are backed into a corner. You had time to take care of this and you didn't. So, I'll have to."

"Why you sanctimonious bastard! How dare you?"

"Shut up!" That was Richard. The bickering couple stared at him. "Good. I have your attention. Now Addie, I'm sorry but I have to agree with Derek. You weren't going to be honest with us and I'm concerned for you. So, I think Derek is right."

Derek was smirking. That is until Richard turned on him. "And you. There was no cause to be that short with her. You wouldn't be that way with a patient or another colleague. So, it has no place here."

The smirk was wiped right off Derek's face and Addison couldn't deny that she felt some satisfaction at that. Of course, she was still stuck with the fact that they were going to run tests on her and there was nothing she could do about it. But seeing that smirk wiped off Derek's face was a small comfort and she was going to cling to it for all it was worth.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Being in the MRI machine was unpleasant. Even if you weren't claustrophobic, you would be, being in there. So she had her eyes closed and was trying to be anywhere but there. Walking along the beach in the Hamptons was infinitely better and was where she was trying to picture herself now.

It wasn't easy. The top of the tube was inches from her face. It was like being in a coffin. Although, it was at least some comfort that she was at least thin. She'd heard tales of overweight people whose shoulders scrapped the sides of the tube. Addison suppressed the urge to shudder. If she moved she'd ruin the readings and they'd have to do it over again. Which would mean she'd have to be in this narrow tube again.

No way. No how. And that was hardly a doctor's thoughts. But she wasn't a doctor right now; she was a patient. And it sucked. Yes, it was true that doctors made the worst patients. That's because they weren't supposed to be patients; they were supposed to be doctors.

This wasn't supposed to be happening. She wasn't supposed to be providing any more fodder for the always healthy Seattle Grace gossip mill. Yet, here she was. Oh, how they were going to talk. Why oh why hadn't she just booked some time off sooner and gone to see Archer?

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"It's not in a good place." Miranda said this quietly.

"No, it's not. It's just there and it's as big as any I've ever seen and it's in a hard to reach area of her brain. For most surgeons it would be inoperable. Luckily, I'm not most surgeons."

"Derek, you can't." Richard scolded him. "You know what our policy is on treating family members. It's the same as in any other hospital."

"And normally, I would agree with you but this tumor, if left untreated, will kill Addison. I'm not going to let that happen. I'm the only one who can save her and that's what I intend to do. "

"Derek—."

"Richard, no. I understand the policy. I know why it is standard practice and I even agree with that. But we all know that I'm the only neurosurgeon who can give her any chance at all. "

"He's right." They both turned towards Miranda. "As much as this sucks we all know Shepherd is the best in his field. Yes, he's got a god complex, like most of us surgeons. In this case, it is justified. If we want Addison to have any kind of chance at all, and I think we all do, then we have to let him operate."

Richard frowned as he looked at Derek. "And you're going to be able to do it? You're going to be able to forget the fact that Addison is your estranged wife and treat her just like any other patient? You couldn't even manage to be civil back in your office."

Derek took a deep breath. He had to remain calm if he was going to get Richard to sign off on this. Once that was done, there was still Addison to deal with but, one thing at a time. Yes, Richard was right to question his professionalism with regards to Addison. He still could hardly believe the way he had treated her. He needed to get control of himself and fast or he would never be able to convince Richard, let alone Addison, to let him operate on her.

"I understand your concerns; I do. But as much as I will admit that Addison and I have our problems, I don't want her to die and if I can do anything at all to keep that from happening than I will. Richard, please. You know as well as I do that I'm the only one who can do the surgery and if I don't do it she'll die. Is that really what you want?"

"Of course not."

"All right. Then you know you've got to let me."

As much as he hated to admit it, Richard knew Derek was right. This was Addison's life hanging in the balance and giving her the best chance was all that mattered. "Fine. If she agrees, then you can do it."

He let out the breath he had been holding. "Thank you."

"Oh, don't thank me. You'll still have to convince her. Because if she says no than that's it. You can't force her and I'm not in the habit of forcing treatment on unwilling patients."

"I'll convince her." There were a lot of things he was sure of and this was one of them. Because no matter what problems she had with him {and there were a lot} he knew she would want to live. He had to give her that chance.

"You're very sure that you can convince her." Miranda observed.

"I am. Look, no matter what you two may think of me and how I am to her do you seriously think that I'm the kind of person who would just let her die if I could do anything to stop it? That I would be happy if she dies?"

Richard and Miranda both looked sheepish. He had a good point, they had to admit. No matter how mean they sometimes thought he treated Addison he was still a basically good guy.

"All right, Shepherd. This is your chance to prove to yourself and her that you are really the good guy you claim to be. Good luck."

"Thanks. I'll need it."

"I thought you were sure that you could convince her?" Richard wondered.

"I am. I didn't say it would be easy, now, did I?"

That was very true.

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Author's note at the end because I didn't want to spoil anything in the chapter. But for those who are interested, yes, shoulders scrapping against the tube is an issue for overweight people. My husband has lost a ton of weight and I'm very happy for him. But back when he had that done open MRIs were not yet a thing and he was fat enough for that wonderful feeling to add to the already great feeling of having the tube inches from his face. I'm still fat and when he told me the story, I was pretty horrified.

But, on the bright side, I did get to sprinkle that in for the extra angst factor. So, thank you, Fred. This is not the first time I've mined your life for fanfic fodder and I so love and appreciate that you let me do that. It means the world to me that you support my fandom habit, but I guess it's cheaper than buying me diamonds so there is that. lol Not that I'm really into jewelry. Just saying.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Addison sat in the chair in her hospital room. She may have been admitted for tests and she may be suffering the indignity of wearing an ugly hospital gown but she didn't have to lie in the bed when it wasn't bedtime and they couldn't make her. It was a childish thought but she didn't care at the moment. Right now she was silently berating herself. If she had just gone to see Archer sooner than she could have gotten the migraines taken care of without anyone, least of all Derek, ever knowing. So much for that. Now everyone would know.

Oh, well. She'd survived so far and she still would. She was a Montgomery, after all. Still, maybe it was time to go home to New York. She'd have to wait a decent amount of time, so no one would think Derek was driving her away. Or maybe she had already stayed a decent amount of time. Who knew? She would have to think about it some more. But later. Right now it was all she could do to keep herself together.

Such a lot of fuss for simple migraine headaches. This was the kind of drama she had wanted to avoid. She could have avoided it if she had just gone to see Archer. He would have taken care of her. Simple and done. Barely even a violation of the doctors don't treat family members rule.

Addison put her head in her hands. Wouldn't you know it? The stress was making them worse. Today was a really bad day. Sometimes she was lucky and she managed really well. But not today, obviously. Probably because they had found out. That wouldn't have happened if she had just gone to see her brother sooner. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

One thing she knew she would have to do was to force his hand. Make him sign the divorce papers and end this charade of a marriage. Look what it was doing to her. Addison knew she couldn't take it anymore. Maybe that was what the migraines were trying to tell her, that she should get out and save herself.

She was worth saving, wasn't she? One mistake didn't negate everything, right? She had been a pretty good person all her life. At least she'd always thought so. Maybe it was time to act like it.

Or maybe she wasn't a good person. Good people didn't cheat on their husbands, right?

Her thoughts were interrupted by the door to the room opening and all three filed in. "Such faces and seriousness for migraines." She tried a joke to lighten the mood. Apparently it didn't work.

They all stood around and Derek came right to the point. "It's not migraines."

Addison laughed softly. "What are you talking about? Of course it is. I know I've never had them before but as you said yourself, things change. I'm under a lot of stress now. Just trying to wriggle out of the fact that you are a lot of the cause of my stress, Derek and so this is kind of your fault. It's O.K. I forgive you. Just give me a prescription and that will be that."

"Addie, it's not migraines. Believe me, I wish it were. But it's not. It's a brain tumor." And he probably shouldn't have blurted it out just like that but her insistence that it was just migraines was starting to get to him. If only it were just that.

He didn't know if she just really believed that migraines were all it was or if she was just putting on an act to convince everyone. Either was possible. But it didn't matter, anyway. There was no time for fucking around. Time was of the essence. He had to get in there and he had to get in there now. Enough was enough.

Addie had been staring at him. Then she finally found her voice. "Oh come on, Derek. Stop it. I know I'm Satan to you but even you couldn't be this cruel, could you?" She jumped up and turned to Richard and Miranda. "He's kidding, right? I'm sure he is. I mean, I'm surprised you both are going along with it, since I consider you both my friends."

"Addie, we're both so sorry." They spoke in unison.

"NO! NO! NO! Tell me, I'm not going to die. Please."

"Addie." Richard's voice was full of pain.

"I am, aren't I? NO! NO! NO!" She covered her face with her hands. She wasn't going to cry. Bad enough she'd lost control of her emotions in front of everyone. She wasn't going to make it worse by breaking down and sobbing like a little girl.

"You aren't going to die. I won't let you." They all turned to Derek. "For most surgeons, this type of tumor with the type, size and location would be inoperable which, yes, would make it terminal for you. But as all of us here know I'm not most surgeons. I'm going to take it out and you'll be fine, I promise."

"No. You can't. This is what you wanted. I'll be out of your way and you can go and be happy with Meredith." She had no idea where that had come from. Martyrdom wasn't really her style. Or maybe it was. At the moment Addison had no idea what her style was. There was no past and no future. There was just this moment where she had been handed a death sentence. She'd need a little time to wrap her head around it. Except of course, she no longer had time. Or a future. Or much of anything it seemed. She fell back into the chair and remained slumped in it.

Everyone was staring at her. Finally Derek spoke. "Richard, Dr. Bailey, can you leave us alone, please." They filed out of the room. Addie didn't see them go. She was too busy being slumped over and staring at the floor. "Addie, look at me." She did. "Do you really believe I want you dead?"

"I don't know anymore. I really don't know anything anymore. Judging by the way you've treated me since I got here, it's a reasonable assumption."

He sighed. He hated to admit it but she had a point. "I know. I've basically treated you like shit since you got here and you don't deserve that. I'm sorry. And you don't deserve to die either. Let me help you."

"How?"

"By getting it out."

"You know as well as I do that the policy regarding that is set in stone." She couldn't bring herself to say family member.

"Richard brought that up too. Doesn't matter. Other surgeons can't do this. I can and I'm going to. So it's not set in stone. You're not going to die, Addie. This, I promise you."

"That's not something you can promise, Derek, not really. You and I both know there are no guarantees, not ever."

"I know that. I also know I screwed up. You screwed up too. But that doesn't matter. You can be saved. I can save you. I'm the only one who can and I'm going to. Addie, look, neither of us are stupid people. We both have problems and have made our share of mistakes. But no mistake we ever could make deserves the death penalty. Seriously, this isn't some barbaric society where you cheated on your husband so you get stoned to death. Or have your brain eaten by a tumor."

"But Derek—"

"No buts." This was proving to be as difficult as he thought it would be. Of course. When were things with them ever easy? Maybe way back at the start before the career goals took over everything. But there was no time to look back. It was time to move forward and save her.

"Addie, look, leaving aside the whole troubled marriage thing, we are both damn good doctors; the best in our respective fields. So, look at it this way, if you die, how many babies will die because you aren't around to save them? If you won't let me help you for yourself, let me help you for the babies."

Addison had tears in her eyes. "O.K." She whispered.

"Thank you." He went over and squeezed her hands. Neither one of them had noticed that Meredith had happened along and had heard a good part of that

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Cliché? Maybe so, maybe so. But I think I read somewhere –maybe Live Journal- that this plot was so fanfic, so since this is fanfic, it's perfect. You've all been so wonderful to this newbie, so warm and welcoming and I'm doing my best to be worthy of that.

I'm also trying my best to make the chapters longer because I love you guys and want to give you what you want but this is just my first fanfic and I must confess I'm still feeling my way around. I was the most nervous about posting this since I started writing fanfic ages ago. But I am feeling the love and that does help. Because who couldn't use more love in their life, right?


	5. Chapter 5

I'm so, so, sorry that it has been so long since I updated. My computer got infected with a virus and I couldn't do anything. It is fixed now, thankfully, because as much as you want to read the updates is how much I want to give them to you. So, to make it up to you I have a bonus chapter that wasn't in the original manuscript. I wrote it during my exile and I hope you enjoy it.

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Chapter 5

"You're here really late."

Derek looked up from his desk, which was covered with scans, papers and other assorted paraphernalia. "So are you, Richard."

"I'm just on my way home."

"Oh. Well, I'm just going over my plans for Addison's surgery."

"You have time. And do you really think having a sleep deprived surgeon is the best thing for her? You could collapse from exhaustion with her open on the table. That's a great way to kill her for sure."

Derek sighed. He knew Richard was right. "You're right." He began to put things away. "I'll be going home right after I check on her."

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Addison was curled up in her bed, crying silent tears. It wasn't the privacy of her own bedroom so it wasn't a completely safe place to cry but it was a room and she was alone in it. And her fears and emotions had to come out some time. Even she couldn't keep them under strict control all the time. So she was finally letting go.

It was late enough that no one she cared about hiding her emotions from would be around. Except she then heard out of the dark, "Addie?" She jumped, turned over and her red rimmed eyes locked on his.

"Damn it, Derek, what are you still doing here? Shouldn't you have left hours ago?"

Probably. But, anyway, I was just on my way home but before I went I wanted to check on you and make sure you were all right."

Addison just stared at him in stunned disbelief. "Who are you and what have you done with Derek Shepherd?"

Derek just laughed and shook his head, wryly at that. "Oh, Addie, You're still you."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

He laughed again. "To be honest, I'm not really sure. But I can tell you one thing for sure, it certainly made for a wild, eleven year ride and then some."

Addison was openly staring at him by now, with her mouth hanging open. She was wondering if her brain tumor was causing her to hallucinate this entire thing. Because the last thing she needed was hallucinations, on top of all of her other problems.

She decided to change the subject in the hopes of getting herself back on course, so much as that were possible with the devastating news she had received. But she did feel as if it were possible, so she went for it. "There must be a reason for you still being here. What is it?"

"I was just going over my plans for your surgery."

That she did not expect. Addison was momentarily speechless. Then she found her voice again. "Oh. Well, I'm sure you'll do as well as you always do. Even if the patient is me." She laughed nervously.

"I'm sure I will. Especially if the patient is you. Which it is so I'm sure as hell not going to lose you."

Again she was stunned. "O.K. Well, could you just go away and leave me alone? I'm not really in the mood for idle chit-chat."

Derek nodded. "I know. I get that you're scared. Hell, I would be in your place, but I just wanted you to know that I'm going to do my best for you and I have a lot of confidence, in fact, every confidence that I'll succeed."

He was certainly acting and sounding like himself. She guessed that was a good thing, especially under the present circumstances. "That's good."

He could sense her underlying fear and doubt. He didn't blame her. He knew it had nothing to do with his surgical skills but just the whole situation.

Normally how good a surgeon was was naturally very important but no matter how good a surgeon was, surgery was still a scary prospect. Again, he understood that her fear and doubt had nothing to do with his abilities.

"Well, I should be getting home. Get some rest and try not to worry. I know that will be hard but try."

"I will. I'll try." Her voice was so small.

Suddenly and impulsively he leaned down and kissed her forehead before taking his exit. This gesture left Addie in even more of a state of stunned disbelief than she already had been before. Or maybe shock and confusion was more accurate. Or maybe all of those things were the most accurate of all.

So with that all she could do was lie there in the darkness and contemplate how totally everything in her life was so screwed up, so messed up and that she had no idea where things were going to go from here. If she even lived that is. Not that she believed that Derek wasn't going to do his best for her. She did know, believe and trust that he would. It was just so scary a prospect.

But there was nothing she could do about it. It was out of her hands and in Derek's. The best thing to do would be what he had said to do and try to get some rest. She knew she needed it. So with that, she turned over, closed her eyes and tried to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

So, no Addison or Derek in this chapter. Sorry about that. But I think it's about time we check in on the five baby interns and see what they have to say about all this. Because you know they know because of that wonderful gossip mill. Plus, Meredith did overhear stuff. But anyway, everyone in the whole hospital knows by now what's going on with Addison. But we don't care about everyone's take on it, do we? We want to know the intern's take on it. So, here that is.

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Chapter 6

"So I hear that McDreamy's wife is going under his knife."

Meredith nodded at Cristina. "Yeah."

"Since when is that kind of thing allowed?" Izzie wanted to know.

"Since Derek is the only one who can save her. She's got what for most surgeons would be an inoperable brain tumor. But Derek thinks he can get it so he's going to. Simple as that."

"It's hardly that simple, Mer." Cristina pointed out.

"No, I know. But every patient deserves the best doctor for their case in order to maximize the odds in their favor. Addison's no different. I get that. I really do."

The other interns nodded at her. They got it too.

"So, who do you think's going to get to scrub in?" Alex wondered.

"I'm scrubbing in."

They all stared at her. "Mer."

"Don't look at me like that. I know she's Derek's wife and I'm his dirty mistress but that doesn't mean I want her to die. I mean, seriously guys, come on. What kind of person do you think I am? "

"You're right. You're not the kind of person who would wish something like that on anyone no matter who they were." George's words warmed Meredith's heart.

"Anyway, he hasn't let me know whether I will yet or not. I am on his service, so I assume I will. And if I do I will give Addison the best patient care possible. Just like Derek will."

"We know you will, Mer." George was sure.

"You will. Of course you will. But are you sure you want to? Not because I think you won't do your best. " Izzie hastened to reassure her because Meredith was giving her a dark look. "But will it be too hard for you?"

Meredith considered the question carefully. "No. I'm a doctor and keeping my professional life and personal life separate is part of the job description. Plus, I never hated Addison. Well, yes, at first I hated her just for existing, you know. But when you get to know her, she's hard to hate." The interns all shared a laugh.

Izzie, George and Alex made their exit from the locker room. But Cristina lingered. "O.K. Mer. They're gone. Now you can tell me how you really feel. And before you bite my head off, no I don't think you want Addison to die. But that doesn't mean you are as O.K. with everything as you pretend."

Meredith sighed. "You want to know the truth?"

"I wouldn't have asked if I hadn't."

"I wish I would have never even gotten involved with him. My life would have been a whole lot less complicated if I had just left it as a one night stand. That's all it was going to be, originally, you know. But he couldn't leave it at that. Poor Derek needed someone who was the complete opposite of his wife and along I came and I so fit the bill. But anyone else would have too, as long as they weren't a tall redhead who was his age."

"Yes, well. That's on him. You just take care of yourself and don't do anything else that could come back and bite you on the ass."

"Like what?"

"Like killing his wife." Meredith glared at her. "I, kid. I, kid."

"That wasn't funny."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"O.K. I'll forgive you. But just let's drop it. I'm ready to get the hell out of here."

"Me too." So they left.


	7. Chapter 7

For all those who have asked for Archer, aka Addison's family, I present to you yet another chapter that wasn't in the original. But I am a shameless review whore and I totally own the fact that I write to please my readers as well as me and if giving you what you want garners me more comments, than it's a win win as far as I'm concerned. Do keep in mind that the only Private Practice I've ever seen is the crossover and pilot episode that was contained in Greys. So, I'm not sure I'm doing Archer justice but I'm trying.

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Chapter 7

"I hadn't even wanted to show you."

"But you did. Why?"

Derek sighed and gripped his phone. "Because as much as you and I hate each other, this isn't about us. This is about her. I figured she could use some family support and let's face it, out of all the Montgomerys, you are the only one who actually loves her. "

"O.K. That explains why you called me on a personal level. It doesn't explain why you faxed me her scans."

"Because a second opinion is never a bad thing."

"Even mine?' Archer smirked. Derek could tell, even across the distance. "That doesn't sound like the great, arrogant Derek Shepherd."

"I don't care what you think of me. Like all of us, my record speaks for itself. But she was originally planning on seeing you for this, before her medical condition intervened and forced action to be taken, with or without her approval. "

"But she's all right, now. She's going to be fine, right?" Love and concern for his sister won out over baiting Derek.

"She's stable for now. But I've got to get in there. The sooner the better."

"As much as I hate to admit it, you're right. This tumor would be fatal for any other surgeon. Not you, though, of course."

"No. I'm the best in my field, capable of what others aren't."

"So, you're not going to let my sister die?"

"I wasn't planning on it, no."

"All right. So, I should fly out there soon."

"If you want."

"You sound so enthusiastic and welcoming."

"You and I hate each other. That's no secret. But in this case, all I meant was that the surgery would be over and done with before you could clear your schedule. "

"True. But I could still come as soon as I can."

"True. I'm not telling you not to come. Not like you would listen to me anyway. All I'm saying is she's in good hands."

"Yours? I'm not so sure about that."

"Because of the state of our marriage. That's on her."

"Right. You're totally innocent. Nothing is ever your fault."

Derek was doing his best not to blow up. It looked like calling her brother had been a big mistake. "Look, this isn't the time or place to get into analyzing my marriage to Addison. It isn't even the most important thing. The most important thing is her life and saving it."

"I have to agree with you there."

"Good. So I'll do that and you can do whatever you want to do."

"Fine. I will. Good-bye."

"Good-bye."

Derek hung up the phone with a sense of relief. What had ever possessed him to call her brother? Maybe the need to do the right thing and be a good guy. Because what he had said was true. Archer was the only member of her Montgomery family that actually loved her.

On the Shepherd side, the opposite was true. Derek was the only Shepherd who didn't love her. Well, anymore now. He had at one point. But that was neither here nor there. The only thing that mattered was successfully preforming this surgery and saving her life. That was the one thing he was sure he could do and he would do it.


	8. Chapter 8

This is another added chapter, for those of you who wanted Archer. I hope you'll like it and please tell me what you think.

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Chapter 8

It was surgery day and Addison was just lying in her hospital bed, staring into space. Although, strictly speaking, she was also waiting for them to come and get her to prep her for surgery. But she was trying not to think about that too much because she was terrified enough already.

Then, "Surprise!"

"Archer?"

"The one and only."

"You're really here. I'm not just hallucinating you because of my tumor?"

Archer laughed a little. "No, Addie. Trust me. I'm actually really here."

"But how? Why? What?"

"The how is easy. You've heard of these things called airplanes, right? Well it turns out it is super easy to go to this place called an airport and book a flight.

The why is because my sister is having major surgery and I thought I should clear my schedule and come out here for it."

"O.K. But-um, how did you know? I didn't call you."

"Derek called me."

"Derek called you?"

"Is there an echo in here? If so, it's not an exact one, since that would involve repeating my exact words, which you didn't do. But yes, he did call me."

Addison just kept staring at him. "Are we in the Twilight Zone or something?"

"Hah! You would never watch that with me. It always scared you too much."

"I got over that. But that's not the point. The point is I can't believe he called you."

"I can't believe it either. I also can't believe that you didn't."

"Well, I was going to fly home and see you about things but then…"

"Yeah, Derek mentioned that too."

"Yes, well, and then I got preoccupied with everything that's been going on. I didn't mean to exclude you, Archie."

"It's all right. The important thing is I'm here now and I'm here for you."

"Yes you are and I'm so happy that you are."

"How could I not be? You're really the only family that I have. So, you'd better not die on me."

"I don't think it's up to me." Addison sounded sad and scared all at the same time.

'That's nonsense. You're Addison Montgomery. You have the will and the strength to live. Things will come out in your favor, I'm sure of it."

"Shepherd."

"What?"

"Shepherd. I'm still a Shepherd. At least for now."

"So you're definitely getting divorced."

"I'm not sure. I gave him the option but he hasn't done anything so far. I'm living in limbo, basically."

"Well that can't continue."

"Tell me about it."

"Well never mind all that for now. It's not the important thing right now. The important thing is getting you through your surgery."

"Derek will do that. At least he said he would."

"He'd better."

"Oh, Archie, I know you two hate each other and he may even hate me now but not enough to just let me die. Judging on how he's been since I was diagnosed I do believe him"

"Well, that's good then."

"It's not good. None of this is good. But it is at least workable."

Just then they came for Addison. "All righty then. I'll see you afterwards."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Addison stared mournfully at the hand mirror. She'd just finished being prepped for surgery and her hair was gone, shaved off. Her beautiful, long, luxuriant red hair was just gone. Her eyes filled with tears.

"Hey, hey, hey. Now what's the matter? I told you you are going to be fine." Derek stepped into the room.

Addison sniffled. "It's not that. It's just that my hair. My beautiful hair. It's all gone. I know it's stupid but…." She trailed off.

Derek crossed over to her gurney and took her hands in his. "It's not stupid. I get why you're upset. But don't worry. It'll grow back before you know it."

"It was my best freaking feature!" She cried.

"I beg to differ. Your eyes. Your eyes are your best feature. Those beautiful blue eyes. I could always get lost in them."

He looked into those eyes of hers for a long moment. Then Derek broke the spell. "I'll see you in there. Don't worry. I've got this." He left.

He knew Addison was terrified. Hell, he'd be in her place. And while he was sure she really was upset about her hair he also knew it was a cover up for those scared feelings she couldn't admit to having, even to herself. But he had confidence in his abilities and he was going to see her thorough this. She'd come out of it just fine; he was sure. She had to because losing Addison was definitely not an option.

Unbeknownst to the both of them, Meredith, who was indeed, scrubbing in, had witnessed the entire exchange between them. She quickly left.

This left Addison alone. They came in to put her under but she waved them away. "I just a need a minute more. Can you give me a minute?"

"Of course, Dr. Shepherd." She was left alone again.

Leaving aside the scared feelings, that last conversation with Derek had left her terribly confused. 'And it's not from my tumor either,' she thought wryly.

He almost sounded like he cared. Like he still cared about her. But that couldn't be true, could it? Because he had made it quite clear that he didn't. Also made clear was the fact that he no longer loved her.

So where was all this sweetness coming from all of a sudden? He hadn't been sweet to her for a very long time.

The confidence in his surgical ability she understood. He had earned that and truth be told, it was probably not possible to go as far as he had in his career without it. That went for both of them. And just speaking as a patient about to go into major surgery, having a confident surgeon was not the worst thing in the world.

But the other stuff. That was almost personal. Like a husband to a wife. Almost like they still had a marriage. Which, yes, they did still technically. He hadn't signed the papers.

But why not? He wanted to, didn't he? He acted like he did. But he hadn't and she didn't really understand why.

Did he still love her? Was he still in love with her? He was always insisting that he wasn't. Hell, he was always acting like he wasn't. It was very confusing.

And then there was no more time to ponder because they were back for her.

"Sorry Doctor Shepherd but there's no more time to give you. We really need to get you in there."

"I understand." And she did so she let them get to it.

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I think using numbers as scene breaks will work better for me since the site no longer lets you use asterisks which was my preference. But anyway, that disagreement between Addie and Derek over her best feature is based on me and my husband. I think my hair is my best feature and he thinks it's my eyes. We've had the argument more than once. Lol

Anyway, if you guys are still interested in this story, please let me know. I knew the comments would drop off from the first chapter but they've really dropped off and while I still appreciate those who comment I admit I'm worried about if there is even still interest in this story. Or that maybe people think the quality has gone down or something. I'm not Derek. I admit that I'm a very insecure person sometimes when it comes to my writing. I just always wonder if I'm good enough.


	10. Chapter 10

Sorry this chapter was more delayed than any other since my computer was attacked by a virus. I needed to do some research and although my fanfic med list is normally a great resource I didn't get an answer to the last question I posed. So I had to wing it and I am not a surgeon, let alone a doctor but I did my best. If anyone sees anywhere I could have done better, please let me know. While it is always great to hear compliments, constructive criticism is always helpful, since anything that will help me to be a better writer is more than welcome.

And thank you so much to everyone who responded to my plaintive cry for reviews. It means so much to me because I love hearing what you all think of my story. It's why I'm posting it, after all.

Chapter 10

Soon Addison was in the O.R. unconscious, prepped and ready. She wasn't the only one besides Derek who was ready. Richard and Miranda were in there as well. Meredith was the intern on the case.

She had been telling Izzie and the others the truth. She was a professional and this truly wasn't about her. It was about the patient on the table. Because the patient on the table, wasn't Derek's wife; she was in reality, a patient just like any other. A patient who deserved the best care possible. Meredith could and would give it to her.

"All right, people." It's a beautiful day to save lives." And he would. This was just another patient. He wasn't cutting into his wife's brain. He could do this. He would do this. He'd promised her and he would keep his promise. He'd broken other promises to her. He wouldn't break this one. Not this one and not this time.

He got started and made the first incision. It was difficult and yet it wasn't. Difficult because of who this was on the table. Yet also not because he was doing what he did and was very good at. The key was to only think about the task at hand and not who was actually on the table. He'd done this before and he'd do it again. That was what mattered.

And there it was. It was big and ugly and it didn't belong in his wife's brain. So he'd just have to get it out, that's all. He was the best in his field, just like she was the best in her field. Doing this was all that mattered.

So from the first incision he moved on to other cuts. And it was fine. Because it was just another patient on the table. It wasn't his wife. He had done tumor removals thousands and millions of times. Some were routine and some weren't. But this he could do.

Until. The alarms on the monitors started going off. "Pressure's dropping. She's in V-fib! " Miranda cried.

"Damn it, Addison! Don't do this to me. I won't let you."

He had a ruptured vessel. Fuck no!

"Push 25 ccs of epinephrine!" He could vaguely hear the team around him doing what they did when a patient crashed on the table. It might have been Richard who shouted the command for the epi.

But that wasn't his concern. Well, it was but it was for his team to deal with. He had his own trouble to worry about.

He thought he heard Miranda yell. "Get the paddles."

Good. Those paddles would work. They'd have to and in the meantime he would be busy doing what he was doing, trying to stop the bleeder. "Damnit, no. Addison. I told you no. You're not going to die on me. Not here and not now.

"We have a bleeder." He's not sure why he called that out. Maybe he just wanted his team to know why they were suddenly fighting for Addison's life. It wasn't like they could do anything about it. He was the one who would have to fix it. And he was working on doing just that.

And it wasn't as if the whole operation wasn't fighting for Addison's life. It was. It was just that now that they had a complication to deal with it was a lot more hands on for the whole team. Because it was the whole team that was involved in fighting this battle. Derek wasn't doing it alone. He had help. And he was grateful for that. He had a good team. They would and they could do it. Just like he could and would.

"Clamp." He had it now. O.K. Good. O.K. Great. They were good now. Weren't they?

"Pressure's coming up. Heartbeat is steady now." Richard reported.

Everyone on the team breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was over and she was still alive.

Derek was extra careful as he made the final cut that would detach the tumor from her brain. And then he lifted it triumphantly from her open skull and deposited it in the tray that was just for that purpose.

"All right. Now we'll close her up." And he proceeded to do just that. Then they wheeled her away to the I.C.U.

"I have to admit that you did a fine job in there." Richard told him."

"She crashed on the table. I would hardly call that a fine job."

"That could happen to anybody. Surgery always comes with risks. But we all dealt with them and she's alive. You got the whole thing, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"So that means she will live and is going to be fine. I don't think you can ask for a better outcome than that."

"That is true." And it was. "I'm just glad it's over with."

"Me too, Derek. Me too."


	11. Chapter 11

So, in random news, I saw the Cigna commercial with our couple that also had Doogie Howser in it. I watched Doogie Howser back in the day and had a huge crush on Neil Patrick Harris, although I was too old for him then and still am. But that commercial really makes me want a Grey's Doogie Howser crossover, which I probably will never get since I'm likely the only fan of both shows and I only read Doogie fanfic; I don't write it. Oh, well. Onward with the story.

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Chapter 11

Derek was exhausted. He felt totally drained. That surgery had taken a lot out of him.

Yes, he had been confident and the successful outcome proved that his confidence had not been misplaced.

But even still. Now that the surgery was over and she had come through, he could admit to himself that deep down inside he had been a little nervous. Maybe even more than a little. And of course, her coding on the table hadn't helped anything.

But that was neither here nor there. The important thing was that it was over and she was O.K. She was going to be O.K.

So now he found himself heading for the family lounge area. That was where the families waited for news. He didn't know why he was going there. Yes, he would normally talk to the families but Addie didn't have any family out here.

Except, she apparently did. As he got there, he spotted Archer waiting. Oh, happy, joy, joy. His instincts had brought him here and there was no getting out of it now.

"Archer."

Archer stood up. "Well, how is she?"

"She's fine. She made it through."

Archer collapsed back onto the couch. "Thank you." There was a sincerity in Archer's voice that surprised Derek, although it really shouldn't have. Because one thing Derek knew for sure was that Archer really did love his sister. In fact she might be the only person in the whole wide world that Archer actually did really love.

"So, she's going to be all right."

"She's going to be fine. There was a complication but we handled it." Derek had no idea why he had told Archer this but he regretted it instantly.

"Complication! What complication?"

Derek sighed and bit the bullet and told him. "There was a bleeder and she coded. But we were able to get the bleeding stopped and also able to stabilize her. She's in I.C.U. now."

"All right. Can I see her?"

"No visitors in the I.C.U, remember. I think it's better for you to go back to your hotel and come back tomorrow. She's most likely going to be out all night."

"That doesn't matter. She still needs support. For that matter, she could still have complications. She had them during surgery. They could recur."

Derek sighed. "It won't recur. It shouldn't."

"How do you know? What was the complication? Of course it could recur."

Derek sighed again. He had no choice now but to restate it. Well, with the stress of everything that had been going on it probably was no wonder Archer wasn't getting it. Archer wouldn't stop with the inquiry until he had his answer. So Derek had to give it to him again. "It was a ruptured vessel. A bleeder. I handled it."

"Oh, you handled it."

"Yes, I did."

"So you were in the O.R. all by yourself?'

"No, I had a team, a very good one. They did what they did and I did what I did."

"What was that?"

"I took care of the bleeder and they brought her back. There are you satisfied now?" Archer was really getting to him now.

"Yes. Because all I want is for my sister to live and be O.K. You and I both know she could have died from that bleeder."

"But she didn't."

"Which is great but still. For that matter, how do we know there won't be any deficits?"

Derek sighed yet again. He hadn't wanted to think about that possibility but now he was being forced to. "That shouldn't happen. Everything looked good after I was done."

'That's all well and good for you to say."

Derek's patience was wearing thin but he managed not to shout. "Look Archer, I get it. I know you were worried because you love her but making it through the surgery is a good sign."

"Yes, it is. I'm not saying it's not. But you and I both know-."

"Screw what we both know, all right." Now Derek was shouting. It was a good thing there wasn't anyone in the lounge but him and Archer.

Now he lowered his voice. "Look we can't dwell on what might happen. She might have died on the table. She almost did." Derek couldn't help but shudder at the thought. "She almost did but my team and I didn't allow that to happen. I might not have been able to do anything about her tumor but I was able to. So let's concentrate on what has actually happened and not what might happen, all right."

Archer was staring at him. "Fine by me."

"Good. Now if you'll excuse me I have to get to her."

"Wait. What?"

Damn it! He'd slipped again. He hadn't wanted Archer to know what he was going to do. But he had no choice now. He had to tell him. "I'm going to be staying right by her side all night."

"You are." To say Archer was shocked would be an understatement.

"Yes, and it's not because I think anything might happen to her. I know it won't. But it couldn't hurt for me to be close at hand just in case something happens. Which it won't. O.K."

"O.K."

"Now if you'll excuse me."

"You're excused."

And Derek walked out.

Archer shook his head. "Well, I'll be damned. That jackass is still in love with my sister. How do you like that?'


	12. Chapter 12

I am so sorry for the long delay. I got hacked yet again. Grrr. But I am back now and hopefully for good. So, please forgive me and let me know what you think in a review. I am as committed to this story as ever. So, Merry Christmas and here is your present. Comments are lovely presents. Just saying. lol

Chapter 12

Slowly but surely, she was coming out of twilight sleep. That was good. "O.K. Addie. You know the drill. One, two, three." And she was extubated. Which wasn't pleasant but was necessary. She coughed. "Easy there. Here. Have some ice chips." She gladly took some. Her throat felt terrible. But the ice chips did help.

Actually all of her felt terrible. Things were still foggy and blurry as well. And she still didn't know where she was. Or what had happened anyway?

"What? What?"

"Ssshh. Everything's O.K. You're going to be fine. You just need your rest. Try to rest, Addie."

But she couldn't. She had to try to figure things out.

Surgery. She thought that maybe she had had surgery. Yes, that was it. O.K. She'd had surgery. But what for was the question. She would have liked to give it some more thought but she was tired, so tired. Twilight sleep wasn't good sleep and she felt like her body could use some good sleep.

So, maybe whoever that voice was telling her to get some rest; that she needed to rest was right.

O.K. Before giving into the urge to just fall back into the blackness and let it take her over completely she took a quick look around to see if she could figure out where in the hell she was. Well, in the I.C.U. obviously, but still.

Her vision had started to clear a bit and so she might have a decent chance of figuring everything out. But it didn't work. She was just too tired and even though she fought against the blackness; she lost. Her eyes closed and she was asleep again.

"It's the best thing for her." She heard a familiar voice say as she drifted off but she couldn't for the life of her identify who it was. It was the same voice that had told her that everything was fine, that she was going to be O.K. and that she needed to rest. For some reason she believed that voice.

She wasn't sure why she believed it. It was in her dreams and she felt like she should know the voice but she couldn't quite place it. Maybe later after she slept some.

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Hours later she woke up again. This time everything was much clearer. Even though she still didn't feel 100% back to her old self, she felt much better than the first time she'd been awake. Actually, Addison was fairly sure that the last time didn't really count as being awake at all, seeing as how things were blurry and not at all clear. But they were now and that was good.

O.K. Now it was time for another quick look around to see if she could figure out where she was and what was going on. Addison figured she probably had been moved from the I.C.U by now. Her vision that had started to clear was now all the way clear. That was a relief. She could also now think better.

No, as far as she could tell she was still in I.C.U. O.K. Well, surgery was a big deal, she guessed. Sometimes not though. Appendectomies were routine. So were tonsillectomies. But she'd had both of those surgeries as a kid. So, whatever she'd had surgery for it wasn't either of those things.

It was something else. But laying here wasn't helping her figure anything out. Addison needed to do that.

It was time to get her bearings back. So she turned and there he was. Derek, sleeping on a bed next to her. No! It couldn't be. She must still be foggy from the anesthesia and her mind was playing tricks on her. Her marriage was over. Derek didn't love her anymore. There was no way he'd stayed by her side all this time. There was no way he was in the bed next to her. Her head was simply conjuring up what she wanted. Her brain was-Wait! That was it. Brain surgery. That's what she'd had.

That was right. She remembered now. She had had brain surgery and Derek had done it. It was a tumor removal, wasn't it? Yes. That was right. It was all coming back to her now. And she reached up to touch her head and felt only bandages. That would seem to confirm that she'd had brain surgery.

The tumor was inoperable and fatal. Except that Derek didn't think so. Right. It was for other surgeons but not for him because he was the best in his field. So he'd convinced her to let him operate and save her life.

Well, it obviously hadn't worked if she was hallucinating Derek. Maybe she was dead. She didn't feel dead but she'd never been dead before so how in the hell was she supposed to know what it felt like? Dying on the table was always a risk in any surgery, no matter how small, no matter how routine the surgery was. And she was pretty sure that a tumor removal surgery was a hell of a lot more serious than an appendectomy or a tonsillectomy. She could have died on the table for all she knew.

Derek wasn't really here. That much she was sure of. She needed to turn away from what wasn't real, regardless if she was dead or not. But maybe. Shouldn't she make sure before dismissing it? He had operated on her. That much she was also sure of. "Derek."

This woke Derek up. "Addie. You're awake. I'm so glad."

Great. She was having auditory hallucinations as well. She had wanted to make sure but it was really too good to be true, after everything. "Derek, are you real?"

Derek frowned. "Addie, what are you talking about? Of course, I'm real. What's wrong with you? I know I got it all out. You should be fine." There was real concern in his voice.

"You're really real. You did fix me. You're really here."

"Yes, of course. Where else would I be?"

"I—y—you don't usually hang out by your patients bedsides after surgery, do you? And I think I remember now. I think I remember that I had surgery. Brain surgery and that you did it. So."

"Well Addie, you're not just any patient, you know. You're my wife."

"But that doesn't matter to you anymore. You—you don't love me anymore."

"I still care, though. I'll always care. Look, why don't you just go back to sleep. Surgery isn't a walk in the park. It's a major big deal. You need lots and lots of rest and your body needs time to heal and recover. We can talk about all this later."

"I guess. O.K. I am still really tired." She closed her eyes.

Neither of them was aware of Meredith who was again standing in the doorway and had once again heard everything.


	13. Chapter 13

I'm hoping that now that the holidays are over, reviews will pick up. Yes, that's a hint. And no Addison or Derek in this chapter but I do think it is an important chapter and I hope you will still like it, even if our couple isn't in it. We will get back to them, I promise.

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Chapter 13

She turned and fled down the hall before Derek would have a chance to see her. Oh, to lose everything. She couldn't win. She'd never win. "Cristina!"

"Whoa, Mer, where's the fire?"

"In Addison's room. Derek's the wood. Or Addison's the wood and he's the lighter fluid. I don't know."

"Huh?"

"Never mind. I'm second choice. I've got to get out of here."

"No. Not until you tell me what's wrong. What's going on? I'm your person, you know. You can tell me. You have to tell me."

"But not here. If you want to know then you'll have to come with me"

"O.K." She didn't really want to go. She'd meant to stick around the hospital and do surgeries. But she was Meredith's person and Meredith was hers. Right now her person needed her and she would be there. So, she'd go. She would do it. Make the ultimate sacrifice and give up surgeries. God, was she noble or what?

When they got to Meredith's place they both made a beeline for her bedroom and lay down together on her bed. "O.K. Now could you tell me what this is all about?"

"Derek is still in love with Addison."

"What! Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"What makes you think so?"

"I overheard things."

"What things?"

"Him being all tender and loving to her trying to convince her to have the surgery by telling her he hadn't fought for her before so let him now, where it counted, in the operating room."

"He was just trying to comfort a frightened patient. We've all been there. Well, except me, of course. I don't do comfort. You know that."

Meredith gave her a look. "This wasn't just that. You may not do comfort but I do. And we both know the difference between generic comfort of any random patient and when it's more personal. This was that."

"O.K. Anything else."

"He stayed by her bedside all night. I know he cares about his patients but he doesn't normally do that as standard operating practice. And when she woke up just now, well now it's later than just now but you know what I mean. When she woke up all confused and scared and stuff he was concerned and caring and… well… loving. No, he's still in love with her. He might not even be aware of it. In fact I'm sure he doesn't even realize he's still in love with her and she doesn't either but he is. I'm sure of it."

"I'm so sorry. Meredith."

"Yeah, me too."

"So, should I kill him for you or what?"

Meredith laughed. "No, that's not necessary. It is what it is. All I can do is just deal with it. It's not going to be easy. But I can do it."'

Christina nodded. "Yes. Yes, you can. I know this about you. So, what's your next move?"

"I've got to end it. I won't spring it on him now, what with all that's going on with Addison."

"But she's going to get better, right. I mean, she's going to be fine. She came through the surgery all right. That's what you said."

"Yes."

"So, why wait?"

"I don't know. I guess I just want to be better to him then he was to either of us. I want to be the bigger person. I want to be in a better place. I want to be better so I can get better. I do deserve better, don't' I?"

"You do."

"All righty then. I'll see him and tell him when all this is over. When she's better is time enough.


	14. Chapter 14

And now that we are back to Addison the reviews might pick up again. At least that is my hope. I am shamelessly begging for comments because for me, the whole point of posting is for comments. So, please say something. It doesn't have to be a long or elaborate comment. Anything you want to say is appreciated by me.

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Chapter 14

"Hey, how are you doing?" Miranda strolled into Addison's room.

Addison shrugged. "Fine."

"Your lunch is still untouched. You're not eating. You have to eat."

"I will. Just as soon as I'm in someplace with better food. This stuff is vile and worse than the cafeteria food. I thought we were supposed to try and help people get better, not kill them."

"Hardy, har, har. Not a good enough joke. But nice try. Do you want me to extend your stay?"

"You don't have the authority to do that."

"Want to bet?"

"Not really, no. O.K. Fine. I'll eat."

"Good. Your stay is already going to be long enough without my having to extend it for any reason."

Addison groaned but she started to eat because while Richard Webber may be the chief, it was Miranda Bailey who really ran the hospital. Everyone knew that.

"Seriously, how are you?"

Addison sighed. "Tired. Tired of everything. I could have died but I didn't. That gives you clarity, all right."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I made one mistake and I don't deserve to suffer for the rest of my life because of it. I don't deserve Derek torturing me by keeping me in this endless limbo. He's not in love with me anymore so he should just sign the papers and let me go. Then I can go back to New York and get on with my life. But no. That would be too easy. I haven't suffered enough yet for the great Derek Shepherd."

"You want to go back to New York?"

Addison nodded. "I have friends there, a life, and a wonderful job. It was a great life and even without Derek it'll still be great. Less great, granted but still pretty great. I don't deserve to lose it all. He's not worth it.

I know he saved my life and I'm grateful because I really didn't want to die. But that doesn't make him love me the way I love him. It still doesn't give him the right to treat me the way he has. I need to get on with my life, Miranda. I do have one and I do deserve one."

"You should talk to him?"

"Why? What for? What would be the point? So I can hear, yet again, about how much he loves Meredith Grey. Thanks, but no thanks. I can't go through that yet again. I've been too much of a masochist lately. But I'm not that much of one that I'm willing to keep going through this for the rest of my life. As soon as I'm clear to be out of here, then I'm gone. Is that clear?"

"O.K. Yes. But I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too but you can come visit me in New York."

"I can't afford to fly across the country any old time I want, you know."

"Hey, are you forgetting I'm rich. Well, I am, you know. And I intend to do more living for myself and less for my job, from now on. I'll fly you to New York and show off my city. Or I'll even fly you someplace else. Anywhere you want to go. Got a dream destination in mind? No problem. I'll even join you. We'll both travel the world together."

"Thanks but I couldn't."

"Yes, you can. I've got more money than I know what to do with. It would give me great pleasure to make one of my few friends in Seattle happy. I'm not trying to show off my money or anything like that."

"God, Addison, I know that. That's not who you are. But all right already. I'll go. I'll go. It'll probably be fun."

"It will be." Addison finished her lunch. "There are you happy now."

"Yes, I am. Isn't it great?" Miranda turned to go, already scheming how to keep Addison in the hospital longer.


	15. Chapter 15

Thank you, thank you and thank you. I so love reviews and each one I get is loved and cherished by me. I am so glad my begging worked. I shall continue, even if it does make me look pathetic. In all seriousness, every comment makes my heart dance with joy. I am a shameless review whore, I admit it. So, I hope you will enjoy this chapter and tell me about it if you did or didn't.

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Chapter 15

Addison was bored. It really sucked being a patient. She had always figured that it did but now she had confirmation.

Still, at least she was alive. She had meant what she'd said to Miranda. Almost dying had changed her. She wanted a life for herself and not just one defined by her job. This was not to say that she was going to quit and bum around the world. She did still love what she did.

But there had to be a reason she wasn't dead and it was probably because there was more to life than work or punishing yourself forever. "That's Derek's thing, not mine."

"What's Derek's thing? What's that asshole done now?" Archer stepped into her room.

"Now Archie, be nice. I know that you two hate each other but he did save my life. That's got to be worth something, don't you think?"

"It's the only worthwhile thing he ever did so, yeah, I'll give him that."

Addison rolled her eyes. "O.K. Fine. Whatever. Anyway, let's not waste our time together arguing about Derek. I'm so glad you're here. It means a lot to me that you came."

"Jesus Addie, of course I came. You're my baby sister and I love you."

Addison's eyes filled with tears. "I—uh-um—"

"Don't say anything. You don't have to. Anyway, I just dropped by to say good-bye."

"You're leaving?"

"Yeah, I've got to get back home. There's a lot of things to do. You know me. Busy, busy. Now that I know you're going to be all right it's safe for me to leave."

"I-I-guess so."

"Hey, hey, now. Don't cry. You're fine. You're going to be fine. So there's no problem, all right."

Addison struggled to get a hold of herself. Control was important.

Then she decided to just be honest. Because fuck everything. She was so tired of having to be strong all the time, of having to keep up appearances. Why shouldn't she go to pieces in front of Archer? This was her big brother, after all. This was the one person who had always been there for her. He was the only one of her family who had ever loved her and still did.

Hell, he was the only person left who she could be herself with. Well, Derek had also been a person she could also be herself with but those days were long gone.

"I know you have a life to get back to but I'll miss you. You're the only person I can really count on. You're the only person who still loves me."

It was on the tip of his tongue to say, no, that her husband still loved her, was still in love with her. He didn't for a couple of reasons.

One. He knew she wouldn't believe him. In her place he wouldn't believe him either.

And two, it really wasn't any of his business. The last thing he needed was to get caught up in his sister's dysfunctional marriage. He'd had enough of that with his parent's marriage, thank you very much.

And three. He wasn't so sure that Derek was the best for his sister. Even if he was still head over heels. But if he were than they'd both have to figure that out on their own. Archer was no relationship expert. He never claimed to be and he never wanted to be. But he knew that much.

So all he did was take her hand. "You'll be all right. I know you will. But maybe it's time for you to think about coming home. Why should you stay here in this fucking, rainy hellhole when you've got a wonderful life waiting for you back in New York?"

"Do I really?" She sighed. "But actually I have been thinking about going home."

"Really? To say Archer was surprised would be an understatement.

"Really? I must say that that's the last thing I expected to hear from you."

"I figured. But I'm tired, Archie. So tired. I don't think I can take much more of this and still be me. You know what I mean?"

"I do." He did. "Which is why I'm glad you are at least thinking about it."

Addison sighed. "I have to be. I hate this city and if Derek's not in love with me anymore than why am I torturing myself by staying?"

"No reason at all. You should just go as soon as you're out of the hospital." Archer really meant this.

"Yes, well, I haven't really made up my mind about anything. I had something else that was occupying my mind." She grinned, wryly. "But whatever I decide to do I know things have got to change. Because I can't go on like this."

"No, you can't. Will you force his hand about the divorce?"

"I don't know. I can't think about that right now. I have no idea how I'd even force his hand. Except maybe going back home would get the message across and he'd sign the fucking papers and finally release me from this hell of limbo he's forcing me to live in."

"Maybe." Archer didn't honestly know what to say to her. It killed him to see her in this much pain. If it were up to him he would drag her back home with him. But he knew it wasn't. "I can't tell you what to do. If I could I would take you back home with me."

"This I know."

"But Addie, in all seriousness, you need to focus on yourself, worry about yourself.'

"Addison sighed. "I know. Maybe that's what getting the tumor was all about."

"Now, now, you aren't getting all metaphysical on me, are you?"

"Perish the thought."

The siblings shared a laugh.

"O.K. Well, I've really got to be going. Take care of yourself, Addie. Do what's best for you."

"I intend to." She did. Just as soon as she figured out what that was.


	16. Chapter 16

I know you guys have been wanting Addie and Derek interaction, and there was some when she woke up from surgery. But it wasn't much. Maybe this is more to your liking. Hope so, anyway. Review and let me know, please.

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Chapter 16

Derek strode into her room.

"What are you doing here?"

"Checking on you."

"Why? You already know I lived and will live. You got to be the great Derek Shepherd and save me. You're done."

"Where is this coming from?"

"Gee, I don't know, Derek. Maybe from everything."

"I understand that you've been through a lot."

"Don't do that. Don't be condescending to me, as if I was just another patient. I deserve more."

"You're right; you do. I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry about? I'm the one who had the tumor. You got to be the great Derek Shepherd and save me. Go away Derek. You've done your job and now you can go."

"Where is this coming from? I realize you've been through a lot but you have no right to dump things on me."

"Oh, no. Why not? You do your job and then you don't come around to see me for days."

"I was busy. And I was with you right after surgery."

"I know. But then you disappeared again. Busy. Always too busy for me. But I'm fine. I'm great. I can get along without you, after all."

"Really? Where would you be if I hadn't operated on you? If you were so fine than why turn to Mark? As soon as the words were out he was sorry for them. "Addie, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things. I don't want to fight with you."

The look on her face was tearing him apart, which if he really thought about it, would have surprised him. But she was calm when she spoke, with just a trace of laughter in her voice. "Of course you don't. Ignoring me is lots easier. Hate to break it to you, Derek, but when you saved my life you lost your prime opportunity to make the problem that is me go away."

"How dare you? Yes, I'm aware that I didn't have to operate on you. It was against the rules and I risked it for you. I did it because I wanted to. I didn't want you to die."

"Why not? It would have saved you a lot of trouble, wouldn't it? Get rid of the female Satan in one fell swoop."

"You do give as good as you get, don't you think?"

"I don't know. Do I? I'm probably not the best judge of if I do or I don't."

"No, I don't think that at all. I think you are the best judge of if you do or you don't. But I also think that what you're doing to me now is way out of proportion to what I did to you."

"Oh, you do, do you?"

"Yes, I do."

"Well, fine, Derek. You can just walk away. It's what you do best. You were the good, decent guy who saved your adulterous whore of a wife. Everyone can throw accolades to you for that. And in the meanwhile, we can get divorced and I'll be out of your life forever. That's what you want, isn't it?"

"Right, Addie. Aren't you always right? I mean, me operating on you had nothing to do with you personally. You were just another patient."

"Fine. Than leave."

"I will." He stormed out.

After he was gone, Addison burst into tears.

Derek was striding down the hall when he had second thoughts. This time he didn't need Richard to childe him for unprofessionalism; he was doing that all on his own. 'Fuck. What is it about her? She just had major surgery and almost died on the table. She doesn't know that, but still. She's down and stressed and I shouldn't have engaged. So, fine. I'll go back and apologize.'

"Addie." She raised red rimmed eyes to him. Damn. She'd been crying. That meant she was really upset. Addison never liked to cry if she could help it. Anger was more her thing when it came to being emotional.

He pulled up a chair to her bedside. "I'm sorry. The things I said to you. I was out of line. I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "No, it was me. I was being too demanding, too needy."

"No, you weren't. Look, Addie, I know you don't want to hear it but right now; you aren't a doctor; you're a patient. Like it or not, it's the truth. And you just had major surgery and it's still a high stress time for you being in the hospital. So, you reacted accordingly. I should have realized that and not engaged but I'm human and I did. So, I'm sorry.

Addison was staring at him. Derek was apologizing to her. It was surreal. "O.K. Well, no hard feelings than."

"No. You need to rest right now, Addie and concentrate on getting better. All the other stuff we can deal with later."

"All right. But since you're here, how did the surgery go? Successful, obviously, since I'm here and not in the morgue." She flashed an impish grin. "But how smoothly did it go?"

Derek was uneasy. He'd been afraid she'd ask about the surgery. He wasn't surprised, though, and maybe that was why he had been avoiding her all this time since she woke up. But he knew he had to be honest with her.

"It—um—wasn't smooth at all. That is, it didn't go as smoothly as I would have hoped."

Addison was giving him a funny look. "What do you mean, Derek? Just tell me."

"There was a complication. You ruptured a vessel. You had a bleeder. I fixed it. But I would have preferred not to have had you have it."

"O.K. Well, obviously, I too, would have preferred not to have it. But I obviously did. So, you fixed it. Fine. Nothing to see then."

He sighed. "No, it's not quite that simple. I know you were scared about the surgery. That was natural. It would have been great if I could have told you that there was nothing to worry about; that it was always fine. But that complication proves that that wasn't the case; it was never the case. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It wasn't your fault. I mean, you didn't rupture the vessel on purpose, did you?" She chuckled.

He joined her. "No. As frustrating, and exasperating as you are, I wouldn't have killed you. I didn't and don't want you dead, as I told you already. That's why I operated, so you wouldn't die."

"That's all right then. Because I didn't. I'm glad I didn't but I'm also glad that you are glad that I didn't die."

"Well, I'm also glad that you're glad that I'm glad that you didn't die."

"Well, I'm glad that—oh fuck it! I've lost track of how many glad's there should be." And they both laughed.

"In all seriousness, Addie, I was confident that I could do this and I did. But…."

"What? Just tell me, Derek. You can tell me."

"Well, as confident as I was that I could do the surgery and I was, I admit there was some nervousness on my part."

"Really? I'm shocked that the great Derek Shepherd even had a case of nerves. And I'm not trying to be sarcastic or anything, just genuine."

Derek nodded. "I know. But you weren't just any patient; you are my wife, my family. So, that was a stress factor, even with the confidence, which was justified. But the complication proved that so was the nervousness."

Addie also sighed. "Well, we can only do the best we can in the O.R. As good as we both are surgery really is just a crap shoot at times. We can bolster the odds in our favor but we'll never be able to have 100% success. At least at this point in time. Bu thanks for fighting for me on that table. I know for sure that I'm only alive because of you and I'm glad to be alive."

"I'm glad you're alive too."


	17. Chapter 17

So, there was only one review for the last chapter and while I love the person for leaving it, I am wondering why the reviews have fallen off. I'm starting to wonder if there is a future for me in this fandom. Comments are what I'm posting for. So, I'm thinking that maybe, once this story is finished, that this should be my last story in this fandom. Sad about it; because I do have other ideas; but if I'm not getting enough comments; it isn't worth posting to me because comments are the whole point of posting for me. Well, anyway; here's the latest chapter, if anyone still cares, which I admit; I'm starting to doubt.

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Chapter 17

Derek was still tired. The rest he had gotten at her bedside really didn't qualify as rest at all. Plus, because of all the days following her waking from surgery, he'd been keeping busy he hadn't really gotten much rest either.

He had been avoiding her; she was right about that. But maybe now that they had talked and been honest with each other, he could finally de compress from everything. Because he really needed to, he knew this.

Yes, he was a surgeon and he was good at it. Surgery was what he was born to do. It was hard work and trouble, though it normally wasn't as emotionally exhausting as this one had been. Of course, he didn't usually operate on a patient that was his wife. That thought stopped him.

Addie was fine now. She was going to be fine and she would remain that way. He had seen to that. And he had gone above and beyond the call. He had stayed to monitor her vitals all that night. He had just wanted to be sure that nothing would happen to her. He had just wanted to make sure that she really would be all right.

In a weird and totally non-scientific way, he had felt that as long as he stayed by her side all night, remained near her, that he could keep away any more complications that might come along. And since she had remained complication free post-surgery, it had worked. Because the complication during surgery had been more than enough; thank you very much.

So, now he was at home. He had had to go. He'd needed to crash because he hadn't really rested all night nor in any of the time that had followed where he had been avoiding her, even though he had finally slept. But all the sleep he had managed to get since her surgery had been intermittent and not at all restful. His concern for her and his vigilance and self-appointed mission of keeping her safe had really taken its toll on him. He'd hoped he'd be able to feel refreshed and better now that he was out of the hospital and home.

He wanted to go to Meredith because he needed to see her. He dialed her number. "Meredith, it's Derek. I know I haven't seen you in a bit. It's been so hectic with everything that's gone on. I'd like to see you, though. So call me when you get this message. Or just come by. I'll be home. I really, really hope you come by. I do need to see you. Anyway, you know where I'll be. Bye." He needed to sleep. So, he crashed and it did help. He had finally gotten some much needed sleep.

Even though his sleep at the hospital hadn't been really restful he wasn't sorry he'd stayed with her. He'd been preoccupied by his concern about how Addison was doing. Another thing that had kept him up for most of that night was nurses. Since Addison had been in the bed next to him he was woken up every time they came in to do their thing, which was a lot.

But again, it was all worth it. She would be fine, thank God. He'd almost lost her on the table but he hadn't and he was grateful. He had done what he had promised her he would do; he'd fought for her on the operating table where it counted. Because even though he no longer loved her, she should be around. The world would be a poorer place without Addison around.

He was surprised he felt that way but he did. 'She's just so….' He wasn't sure what she was. He wasn't sure how he felt about her anymore.

'Well, maybe I just need to rest and figure it out. That should be easier now that I've talked to her about the surgery and she knows everything that happened.'

But he really hoped to see Meredith soon. He needed to see her. Hopefully, once she got his message she would come by. It would really help.


	18. Chapter 18

Thank you, everyone. I appreciate the response I got. I even got some constructive criticism. That's always a gift because I know no one has to take the time to give it, so I know to get it is a gift. Now I can't guarantee that I won't feel like I felt after the last chapter but I will try not to be so annoying about it. I have my inner demons and sometimes they get the best of me. But overall, I do want to stay in this fandom. So, I will try to be less whiny when I ask for reviews. So, yes, I still want to hear what you guys have to say. I hope whoever is still reading will stay with me and I hope you will continue to share your thoughts with me.

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Chapter 18

"I don't know what to do." Meredith had played Derek's message quite a few times to Cristina.

"Yes, you do. You just don't want to."

"I know. I really don't. But I do have to, don't I"

"Yes, you do. We already had this conversation. But he still loves her. He's still in love with her. I know that you know that. You told me so yourself."

"Everyone knows that but him. Well, and her. Even she's too stupid to know that."

"So, you break it off. You have to do it now, no matter what. You deserve better than someone who is in love with someone else."

"You're right. Shit. I guess I know where I'm headed. How lovely. I get involved with a bar one night stand, which was totally a bad idea and this is why. Because he turned out to have a secret wife he never bothered to tell me about.

"Well, that's on him. Need I remind you that he pursued you? You were not interested. Technically that could be construed as sexual harassment." Cristina smirked.

"Well, if I'd been smarter I should have told him to back off or I would report him and then done it. But I didn't."

Cristina raised her eyebrows. "So, you're sure. I do agree here but as your person I have to make sure."

"I know and I appreciate that. I'm sure. I've been walking in a dream or more truly a nightmare this whole time. This thing with him was really over before it started because of it. He may have truly loved me but that doesn't change the fact that he is in love with her. That he was never out of love with her. I think he was just trying to convince himself he was but it was never the truth."

"So, I'm officially asking you. What are you going to do?"

"And I'm officially answering. The only thing I can do. I'm breaking it off. I deserve better than someone who is in love with someone else. I deserve someone who is in love with me. Even if he is in love with me, he's not in love with ONLY me. I deserve someone who is."

"That you do. When are you going to do it?'

"Now. The sooner the better."

"I thought you were going to wait."

"I was but this message changes things. He's obviously still delusional or in denial. I don't know which and it really doesn't matter. I think doing it now will ultimately be the best thing for all three of us. Besides some time has passed. Maybe enough. In any case, it has to be done. We really are in limbo."

"That's not a good place to be."

"Tell me about it. I think it's time to lay it all on the line. It isn't going to be easy."

"No, it isn't. But you can do it, Mer. I know you can."

"Thanks. I really appreciate the support."

"Do you want me to go with you when you talk to him?"

Meredith smiled at Cristina. "Thank you for offering but, no. This is something I have to do alone. Not that I'm looking forward to it but it has to be done."

"True. And once it's done you can start looking around for a new guy."

"Nope. I think I'm better off swearing off men for a while. Maybe forever."

"Don't do that. He's not worth it. But taking a break might be a good idea, I agree. Concentrate on the brilliant career you'll have. That's worth a lot."

"It's worth everything. Especially now."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too. But it is what it is."

"You can do it."

"Thanks. I think I can. It's not like I have a choice. It's obviously a dead end, this relationship, such as it was."


	19. Chapter 19

And now at last, the long awaited Meredith and Derek talk. At least I think it was. Anyway, I've really tried to make it compelling for those of you still with me. I hope you'll share what you think in a comment. Thanks for reading.

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Chapter 19

Meredith knocked on the door of his trailer. "Meredith, you're here. Come in. I'm so happy to see you."

"I don't know if you will be after I say what I came here to say. Derek, we have to talk."

"My, my, that does sound serious."

"Derek, I am serious."

Derek frowned. "O.K. Meredith, what's wrong?"

"We shouldn't see each other anymore."

"Wait! What? You're breaking up with me." She nodded. "But why? I don't understand. I thought we had something really great. No, scratch that; we did. We do."

"I know. We did."

"We love each other."

"We did. But it's wrong."

"Wrong? How could it be wrong?"

She gave him a look. "Seriously, Derek. You really have to ask that question?

He had the grace to blush. "No, not really. You're right."

"It was nothing. Well, O.K. That's not entirely true. It was something. But we both did wrong. In retrospect, it never should have gotten as far as it did. Looking back I can see all the red flags. If I'm honest with myself, I did see them then; I just chose to ignore them. We should have let it go and stopped and called it off as soon as we found out we'd be working together. That you would be my boss. But of course, that was really the least of the red flags that I chose to ignore."

Red flags? What are you talking about?"

"Your wife, Derek. You know the one you failed to tell me about. That should have been a huge red flag. But also you not wanting me to know stuff about you was also. I mean dating is all about getting to know each other and you never wanted me to know you. Now I know why."

O.K. I admit that not telling you about Addison was a huge mistake."

"Gee, Derek, you think." Meredith laughed sarcastically.

He had the grace to blush again. That was something, she guessed.

"But it doesn't matter anymore. We love each other. I'll sign the divorce papers; she'll go back to New York and we can be together. We'll be free and clear to love each other."

Meredith just looked at him. The clueless idiot! He truly had no idea he was still in love with his wife.

Of course. He may be a brilliant neurosurgeon but he was still a man. And men were clueless idiots much of the time. 'Looks like you'll have to spell it out for him, Meredith. Oh the joy!' "Derek, this may come as a shock to you but you don't want to divorce Addison."

"I don't? Why don't I?"

"No, you don't because you're still in love with her. God, how dense can you be? Well, I guess a lot judging from this conversation."

"No. I'm not still in love with her."

"Yes, you are. I've seen it with my own eyes and ears."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you think you saw but—"

"How you reacted to the news of the tumor. I was there outside the office and I heard. I seem to always be in the right place at the right time to hear about how much you love your wife, even if it is indirectly saying it. Because you can't say it directly if you aren't aware of it but you are. Everything says so. How you were with her after she was prepped and scared out of her mind. How you were with her in the operating room when she coded. And of course, staying by her bedside all night after her surgery."

"Meredith, I'm a surgeon. I care about all my patients. Addison was just another patient."

Meredith laughed and rolled her eyes. "Really, Derek, really. So staying by a patient's bedside all night after surgery is standard operating procedure for you is it?"

"I-uh-um-well."

"No, it's not. And she wasn't just another patient to you. She's your wife and you need to face it. I have."

"Face what?"

"That you're still in love with her. So, yes, it hurts but I'm telling you because I deserve more than a man in love with another woman. I deserve someone in love with me."

"But I am."

"Maybe. But not like you're in love with her. She's your wife. I can't compete with that and I've discovered that I don't even want to. Go and be with her Derek. You may not know it yet but you will in time. Being with her is what will make you happiest in the long run. Just give what I said honest thought with an open heart and you'll see I'm right. Good bye, Derek." With that, she left.

Derek just stood there, stunned. How could this happen? How could Meredith think he was still in love with his wife? He wasn't; he was sure of it. He would know if he was still in love with Addison and he wasn't. Meredith was wrong. She couldn't know something about him that he didn't know himself; that was for sure.

He had really bungled things so much. He had to face that. He had just been reeling so much from what he saw in New York and having to get away from that. Meredith had innocently gotten caught in the crossfire and Derek was sincerely sorry about that.

He had pursued her. But she was just so different from Addison and that was what he'd needed and wanted. In retrospect, it hadn't been fair to her and deep down inside maybe she had known that, which was maybe why she hadn't been interested at first. If he'd been any kind of man at all, the kind of man his father could be proud of, he would have respected that.

But he hadn't. He'd just gone ahead and done what he wanted to do without regard for anyone but himself. Ouch! Self-reflection and examination was painful. Sure nobody was perfect but could he really give himself a pass like that? What he'd done, the deliberate dishonesty was so beyond that nobody's perfect creed, it really might as well be on another planet.

But right now that was nothing. Meredith had said he should think about things with an honest and open heart. He supposed he owed her that much. Hell, he might even owe Addison that much as well. So he'd better get right on it.


	20. Chapter 20

So now we're back to Addison. I hope that means the reviews will pick up. But I am trying not to throw a fit about it. I still want comments and so I will still beg but I will try to be less whiny about it. I do hope that those of you who are still with me are enjoying the story as much as I am enjoying writing it. Because I do still like it and hope you guys still do too. Please comment and let me know.

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Chapter 20

"It's me, Addison. I'm handing in my resignation, Richard. "

"Addison, you don't want to be too hasty."

"No, just no. This isn't being too hasty. This is me finally doing what is right for me. I can't do this anymore. I could have died but I got a second chance and I realize what I want to do with my life and where I want to be. I deserve to be happy and I miss my city. I want to go home to New York. I just want to rebuild my life even if it is without Derek."

"I'm sorry he won't sign the papers."

"Yeah, me too. Guess he's not done punishing me for Mark. Funny thing is I want him to sign the papers but I don't. I don't actually want to divorce my husband; he's the one who wants to divorce me. I just can't figure out why he won't. You would think he would jump at the chance. But anyway, that isn't really important right now. What is important is what I've discovered, that I don't deserve this torture for my one lousy mistake. I'm going to talk to my lawyer when I get home. Maybe there's something he can do to force the issue. Or maybe that won't be necessary. Out of sight, out of mind, as they say. Once I'm gone Derek will be free to live his life with Meredith unencumbered by a little thing such as a wife. So maybe that'll get him to sign the papers. Who knows? I sure as hell don't. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that once I'm released I'll finish out my cases and then I'm gone."

"I'm sorry, Addie. But maybe there's a reason he won't sign that has nothing to do with Mark. I'm just-

"No. Just no. It's not true and you know it. Anyway. "

"I'm really sorry."

Yeah. Me too. Sorry. About the papers, I mean. But it's for the best. Me leaving, I mean. Good –bye." She hung up her phone and pulled the hospital covers around her, as if for security.

Perhaps resigning from the hospital while she was still a patient here wasn't the smartest thing to do. But they didn't seem to be in any hurry to let her out and she couldn't put things off forever.

She just wanted to get things rolling. Richard might hold it against her that she hadn't handed in her resignation face to face but in actual fact she hadn't ever officially signed a contract so perhaps an unconventional ending was fitting. And whatever else she was unsure about, she was sure that Richard genuinely cared about her and did understand her decision, even if he didn't agree with it. It was a nice change to be genuinely cared about here; so few people here did.

Now she made another phone call. 'Yes, this is Addison Montgomery-Shepherd. I'd like to make a long distance call. No, I'm not expecting the hospital to pick up the tab. Take the cost out of my next paycheck. I've got a couple coming due. Thank you." She gave the number.

"Hello. This is Addison Montgomery-Shepherd. Would you connect me with the Chief? Thank you.

Hello, Edward. It's me, Addison. I'm fine, how are you? Great. Listen, the reason I'm calling is because I'll be heading back to New York soon and I was wondering if you still wanted me to work for you."

The scream of delight was so loud Addison had to hold the phone away from her ear. But it did make her feel good. It was nice to be wanted, even if it was only by a job. She wished her husband…. Best not to think about that.

"All right. I'm currently in the hospital as a patient. Don't ask; it's a long story. I'll fill you in on all the details when I get home. But after I'm released I've got a few cases to finish and then I'll be on my way home. Look forward to seeing you then."

Things were arranged. She would finish up her cases and she'd notified Richard. She also had notified MT Sinai that she'd be back soon. Which they were happy to hear. It made her feel good that they still wanted her there after all this time. 'At least someone wants me back' she thought, wryly. Still Addison wasn't completely alone. She did have a couple of friends here that she'd miss. 'Just not Derek.' No, she'd miss him. But even though he was still her husband she knew that they weren't friends. But she was still in love with him. Hopefully though, by going home she'd have a chance of maybe getting over him.

She curled up in bed and let the tears come. It was hard, so hard. All these years of being Derek's wife and now soon she'd have to learn how to not be. 'I hope I can.' But she was scared she couldn't.

'I'll just have to. There's a reason I'm still alive and it sure as hell isn't to be continuously tortured. So, once I'm released I'll only have to get through a few cases and then I'll be free. Plus, this being a patient thing gets really old really fast. I figured I'd need time to recover because brain surgery is major surgery but to me it's already been too long. But even brain surgery doesn't keep you in the hospital for life so eventually they'll have to release me. I can hardly wait.'

That was the truth. She may have fears about starting over and living life without Derek but she was going to do it anyway. Whatever happened and whatever came Addison would face it head on. It wouldn't be easy; she knew that. But there was a chance that she could do it. Maybe even a good chance.

She'd never know until she tried. So she was going to. 'Good luck to me. I'll certainly need it.'


	21. Chapter 21

Still with me? If you are, I do appreciate it. We're getting to the end. Just a few more chapters left. As always, if you could leave me a comment, I would appreciate it.

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Chapter 21

The rumor mill was swirling on her first day back to work but she was doing her best to ignore it. There was nothing a Montgomery couldn't handle, after all.

"How are you doing?"

Addison sipped her coffee. "Oh, you know. Same old same old. Satan survives brain tumor by the benevolence of her soon to be ex-husband. You know how that goes. "

Miranda frowned. "Is there some ass kicking I need to do?"

Addison smiled. "No. It's nothing I can't handle. Besides it will soon be over and I'll be back in a hospital that really wants me."

"This hospital really wants you."

Addison shook her head. "No, it doesn't. You and Richard may want me but that's the extent of it. Nobody else does. And if I'm being honest, except for Derek I really don't want what's here. No offense but Seattle just isn't the place for me. It's too dark and depressing for me and I've got enough of that in my life. Who needs extra rain when you're not a farmer?"

"I guess I can see your point."

"Thank you. Now if you'll excuse me I have cases to wrap up."

Miranda watched her go. She had tried her best to keep her here but it hadn't worked. And maybe that was as it should be. Addison was so miserable here. If she were truly Addison's friend and she thought she was, than she should want her to go to where she would be happy. And that certainly wasn't Seattle.

Damn Shepherd. That man was so brainless. A brainless brain surgeon. Oh, the irony. But he was a man and everybody knew how men were. So, it maybe wasn't his fault. It still sucked, though.

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Addison kept her cool. It wasn't easy, what with all the whispering going on and conversations that just happened to stop when she got anywhere near the people who were having the conversation. But she just kept keeping on. Because whatever else you could say about Addison Montgomery-Shepherd, she was a strong woman.

Finally the day was over and she could go back to the hotel and start packing. It was probably too soon because there was still time to serve but packing reminded her that there was hope; that she wasn't going to be trapped in this hell hole of a workplace forever. Plus she wanted to be sure that nothing would be forgotten. So she would pack a little today and resume packing a little daily until it was all done.

In the middle of her packing there was a knock on her door. "Oh, for God's sake! Who is it?"

"It's Derek. May I come in?"

"No! What do you want? Just go away."

"Please, Addie. I just want to talk."

"Fine." She stormed over and flung open the door. "Make it fast, Derek. I have things to do."

"So, it's true. You're really leaving."

"Yes. You should be over the moon, Derek. Now you can live your fairytale life with Meredith unencumbered by a little thing such as your wife." Inwardly she winced. The last thing she wanted to do was to give him any kind of satisfaction at all.

"Addie, please don't go."

"Why should I stay? I hate Seattle and there's nothing here for me. No, it's a done deal and I'm going."

"Meredith and I broke up."

"You mean she dumped you. And this matters to me why? You got dumped and so now you come crawling back to me. It doesn't work that way, Derek. I'm nobody's sloppy seconds."

"No, Addie. You've got it all wrong. It's not like that."

"Isn't it? Ever since I got here you've been nothing but cruel to me. You made no secret of the fact that you wanted me gone. Well, now I'm going and you don't get to whine and plead and beg me to stay just because your mistress dumped you. I'm nobody's second choice, Derek. I deserve better than that. Now go. Just go."

"All right, Addie." Derek said this sadly.

As soon as she made sure he was gone, she collapsed on the bed, sobbing.

But then she stopped and got up. 'Pull yourself together, Addison. This isn't what you wanted. He doesn't really want you; he's just here because he got dumped. I do wonder why she dumped him, though. She seemed so enamored of the great Derek Shepherd. '

Well, it wasn't her concern anyway. Her concern was getting her life back on track.

Coming out here had been a gamble and she'd lost. If she had actually managed to win Derek back it would have been worth it but she hadn't. The cheating had done irreparable damage. All right then.

She's paid the penalty for it and now she was just tired, so tired. Fighting for her marriage had taken a lot out of her.

'I don't regret it. If I hadn't tried than I would never have known it was hopeless. I would have always wondered. Now at least I know.'

She sank down onto the bed. But she didn't cry again. She seemed to be out of tears for the moment. Well, that was something, at least. Crying at the drop of a hat wasn't who she was.

Who was she, exactly? Maybe it was time to find out.

She was a brilliant surgeon. She knew that much. Over the years she had saved a lot of lives. That was a good thing.

So, great. Even the adulterous bitch that she was had some redeeming qualities. Good to know.

But wait! She wasn't only an adulterous bitch. Although, separating out her job related accomplishments left precious little to be proud of.

Her marriage had failed. Which meant she'd failed as a wife. Even allowing for the fact that a marriage failing was rarely one person's doing it still wasn't an easy thing to look at.

'Probably a good thing we never had children. We would have screwed them up too. And as painful as this is for me it is some comfort that there are no innocent children caught in the cross fire.'

'Would it have made a difference if we'd had kids? Who knows? Besides, no kid should have the burden of responsibility for their parent's marriage. If anyone knows that, it's me. So there is that at least.'

She was rather proud of herself that she hadn't just gone rushing into Derek's arms when he showed up. She had wanted to. God how she wanted to!

But he no longer loved her. That had become painfully clear. Whatever reason had brought him to her door it wasn't love.

Addison felt she had turned a corner. Derek was never going to love her again but that didn't have to mean her life was over. It could still go on and be good. It was just going to be painful as hell. That part she wasn't looking forward to. But she could survive. She had no choice.


	22. Chapter 22

Only one more chapter to go and then this is finished. In a way I'm sad to see this story end because I do like it and enjoyed writing it. On the other hand all good things must come to an end and too many people in all my various fandoms never finish their stories and leave their readers hanging forever. I don't want to do that. I would still like comments, though, so if you are still with me I would appreciate it very much if you would leave a comment.

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Chapter 22

Derek hadn't really left. He'd only gone down the hall and hid in the corner where the ice machine was. As soon as he saw Addie poke her head out and look both ways down the hall and then go back in he sprinted back to her door. Now he was still standing there and he heard her gut wrenching sobs. He wanted nothing so much as to rush in there and take her in his arms and comfort her. But he couldn't and not only because you needed a key card to enter but because it was all his fault that she was hurting in the first place.

It hadn't been easy for him but after Meredith broke up with him, he'd given what she'd said a lot of thought and he'd come to the conclusion that she was right. But what good would any of that do now? It was too late. Addison was leaving.

Maybe he should go talk to Richard. He might have some ideas about the divorce that he now knew he didn't want.

It was quiet in her room now. She must have pulled herself together. That didn't surprise him. The Addison he'd always known was a strong woman. She didn't cry all that much. And even less than that in front of others.

But she didn't know he was still hanging around listening to her. So, no wonder she'd let go.

'It's all your fault, you know.' He berated himself inwardly as he finally walked away. 'She did everything to let you know how sorry she was but you couldn't let it go. Why couldn't you?'

Granted, he'd had a right to be upset at finding her in bed with Mark in their bed. No one had ever questioned that. Not even Addison.

But why had he never taken action after he'd gotten here to Seattle? He could have started divorce proceedings at any time before she got here. He could have signed the papers right away.

He hadn't. And he thought he had finally figured out why.

He'd wanted to pretend to be something he wasn't. In the bar that night with Meredith he wasn't a married man who had just recently found his wife in bed with his best friend. He wasn't a married man whose world had just recently been blown sky high. He was just a single surgeon about to start a new job. Things would be perfect from then on.

Except they weren't. Addison had come waltzing into his new life to blow it to smithereens once again.

As hard as this was to believe, her showing up had actually shocked him. Yes, he was aware of how stupid that sounded but Derek had actually managed to block her existence from his mind. In essence, he'd forgotten he actually had a wife.

He supposed there was a psychiatric term for what he'd done. Kathleen could probably tell him what it was if he ever decided to tell her. Which he wasn't going to. Not ever.

But Meredith was right. He was still in love with Addison. Truthfully, he'd never stopped being in love with her. He could finally admit that to himself.

That was also or had been the whole problem. Because, yes, he was still in love with her but taking the time that Meredith had told him to take had also yielded something else. It was the reason why he'd had so much trouble admitting and even knowing he was still in love with her.

The thing was that he hadn't wanted to be. Seeing Addison and Mark in bed together had deeply wounded him, as well as made him angry. So angry that he had had to flee lest he kill them both. He had certainly felt capable of it.

And neither of those emotions had been pleasant. But he had chosen to only really feel and acknowledge the anger because that was easier. Anger and hurt had been justified but unpleasant to feel.

But hurt was too much. If he had allowed himself to really feel the hurt than he would have had to acknowledge the fact that Addison still mattered to him. That he was still in love with her. And since he hadn't wanted that to be true, he pushed it down and buried it.

Buried it under layers of denial. Buried it under his forgetting he actually had a wife. Buried it under all that time of pretending with Meredith, pretending that he was just a normal single guy about to start a new and exciting job.

But there was no pretending anymore. The truth was out. Or more accurately, finally admitted to. And now that it was he had to figure out what to do next. That wasn't going to be easy.

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The next day after his shift, Derek found Richard in his office. "Richard, can I talk to you?"

"Sure, Derek. Pull up a chair. What's this about?"

"Personal things."

"Addison."

"Yes. How?'

"I may be the chief but I'm not above keeping tabs on the rumor mill. It can be quite entertaining. Plus, I'm not stupid." He chuckled.

"Oh." Derek sighed.

"Anyway she's leaving and Meredith broke it off with you because you are still in love with your wife."

Derek's mouth was agape. "How?"

"Oh, please. It was pretty obvious to everyone. Everyone except you of course. And her."

"I tried to tell her but she didn't believe me."

"Can you blame her? You've been nothing but an ass to her since she got here."

"I know, I know. But what do I do now? I can't lose her forever because of my stupidity, can I?'

"You can. It's possible." Derek's face fell and Richard took pity on him. "But you don't have to. Although, if you get her back you'll probably have to spend the rest of your life making it up to her." Richard chuckled a little again.

"If I get the chance. I don't know how to make her give me the chance."

"Maybe a grand gesture will say something to her."

"Like?"

"I don't know, Shepherd. That would be up to you, not me. She's your wife, not mine. You know her better than me. At least you're supposed to and did at some point."

But an idea was forming in Derek's head. "Like following her all the way back to New York, the way she followed me all the way here."

"Now you've got it." Richard nodded his approval. "I mean I hate to lose you. I hate to lose you both but I've already lost her. She made that perfectly clear. I think you do have to do this. I think it's what you have to do and the only thing that might give you a fighting chance."

"I think so too. So, I'll finish up my cases and then you can consider this my resignation."

"So noted."


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Addison entered the brownstone rather uncertainly. It had been awhile. She hadn't been sure at first whether to move back or sell it. Although since the state of her marriage was currently uncertain she figured whatever she did, it might be prudent to hold on to it for now, even if she wound up getting another place.

Especially since with things so uncertain taking any action could backfire on her and land her in a world of trouble. The last thing she needed was that. Selling this place before who gets what was settled was not a headache she wanted to deal with. She had enough of that, thank you very much.

But finally she had decided that Derek had taken too much from her already and she was damned if he was going to take this from her too. Of course, it wasn't like she'd be sleeping in the master bedroom after all that had happened. She'd take one of the other bedrooms. So for now, she was going to stay in this, her home. Because for now, it was still her home.

Still maybe later she'd redecorate it and try to sleep there again. "It's a new start for me." It was and old demons had to be put to rest at some point. Not now, though. It was too soon. She'd just gotten back; she hadn't been back long enough. She wasn't ready.

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Work was going well. She was even getting out and about a bit. And her hair was starting to grow back, which was nice.

She still had to deal with the fact of her still being married to her husband. Of course maybe she didn't want to deal with it yet because in all this time that she'd been back she still hadn't seen her lawyer about anything. But Addison knew that time would come. It was inevitable.

Right now, though, she just wanted to enjoy getting her New York life back. Seattle had really been a mind fuck. In more ways than one.

Right now she was at home and hungry. She decided to see what she had in the kitchen. Probably not much but this was New York. She could always go out or order in. As she was walking to it a sound got her attention. It wasn't loud but it was unmistakable. It was the sound of a key turning in the lock. Addison was frozen solid in fright. Who else had a key to her house besides her? Should she call out? Maybe it was better not to let whoever it was know she was here alone.

Then she heard it. "Addie. It's me." It was Derek.

What the hell was he doing here? "Derek, what the hell do you mean by invading my home and scaring me half to death?'

"I'm sorry about scaring you but this isn't just your home; it's my home too. It's our home?'

"Are you seriously fucking going to say that here? Seriously? You're pulling the 'it's our home' bullshit. No, just no. It's not. You left it. You left me. I begged you for a second chance. I knew I'd made a mistake but you wouldn't let me make it up to you. You abandoned everything, me, our marriage and our homes. You don't get to do this. You don't, you selfish bastard."

She flew at him and he caught her in his arms. And just simply let her pound him while he just held her. He knew she needed to do this, to let it all out and he certainly knew he deserved whatever she would dish out. He could take it. So, he stood there and did. It was the least he could do for her.

Then finally she started to slow down. "Sh. It's O.K. Addie, I'm here. Come on." He led her to the living room couch and continued crooning to her.

Finally she quieted and just simply lay in his arms. "Why are you here?" She asked, simply.

"It's simple. You're here, so I'm here."

"I don't understand."

"But I finally do."

"Oh, good. So then you're going to explain it to me."

"Yes. I was a clueless idiot. Not just in Seattle but here too. I was cruel to you and by all rights you should hate me. But please don't, Addison, because the truth is that I finally know and can admit to myself that I've never stopped being in love with you. I tried not to be because I was hurt and angry but it didn't work. I only thought it did."

"But Meredith—"

"I did develop real feelings for her but they were nothing compared to what I feel for you. Like I said, I was a dumb jackass."

"No, you said clueless idiot."

"Right. I was both. Anyway, I came here because I don't want to divorce you. I thought I did but I don't. That's the real reason why I didn't sign and I want… I'm ready to fight for our marriage."

She sat up. "Derek, no. I-I cannot go through it all again. You were so cold and cruel to me. I wanted to fight hard and you didn't. Now you want to fight and I'm not sure I want to anymore. I'm so emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I'm so afraid. I can't take any more pain. Just let me go and stop torturing me."

She was so broken and it was all his fault. He'd done that to her. He'd broken the love of his life. Could he fix her? Yes, he was sure he could. But would she let him? It was killing him that she was afraid of him but he understood why. "Addie, honey, listen to me. I promise you that things will be different from now on. They will be better. I know I've given you no reason to trust me but if you take this leap of faith with me I promise you you'll never regret it. That's why I came back home. I came back home for you."

"You really left Seattle for good"

"Yes, Richard helped me to figure out that the best way to prove to you that I'm serious was to follow you where you went. So, just like I drove to Washington, I drove all the way back to New York."

"I can't believe you gave everything up in Seattle for me."

"You gave up everything in New York for me. Time I return the favor. Besides, everything is worthless without you, Addie. You're the most valuable thing in my life and I'm never letting you go again. I'll spend the rest of my life showing you and making this up to you. Because you are my everything and are worth everything."

"Oh, Derek!" And they hugged and kissed and held each other tightly.

"Um…Derek."

"Yes, honey."

"I'm still hungry and I was about to order food when you came so—"

He laughed. "It's all right. We can order food now."

One Year Later

Addison and Derek walked out of the Central Park Zoo and strolled towards the carousel. Derek was pushing the stroller. When they reached the carousel he parked the stroller by the ticket booth and got tickets. "O.K. Addie. Climb aboard."

She chose a horse and then he handed the baby harness to her so she could put it on. Once she had it on he handed their baby girl to her. Then he got on a horse that he chose that was right next to them. He then pulled out his cell phone and as soon as the carousel started he started filming his girls with the phone's camera. To him they were both miracles.

Only last year Addison had almost died. Not only was she still alive but soon after coming back home to New York and their lives there, she had gotten pregnant. And now they were the proud parents of a beautiful baby girl, Sarah Grace Shepherd.

"Wave for Daddy, Sarah." Addie made the baby wave.

"She's a bit young for that." Derek remarked as he continued filming.

"Well, she's our child so not for long." They both smiled. When the ride was done he stopped filming and put his phone away. Then he helped Addie down, settled the baby in the stroller again and continued their walk.

"Our baby girl is so beautiful. She's like a mini you."

"Yes, and hopefully she'll inherit my best feature, my hair." She tossed her flame red hair.

"Are we going to go through this again? She's already got your best feature," Derek declared.

"How can you say that? It's my hair and she doesn't even have hair yet. She's still bald."

"Because your best feature isn't your hair; it's your eyes and she does have your eyes. You have gorgeous blue eyes and so does she."

"Oh, Derek."

He pulled her into a kiss. "I'm so glad I got a second chance. I was a stupid jackass but that's over for good. You and she are my miracle girls and I'm going to be with the both of you forever."

And Addison did believe him. He had spent the past year proving it over and over. They were both finally home where they both belonged.

The End.

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So, that's it. I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. And in case any of you were wondering, yes, the Central Park Zoo is within walking distance of the carousel. My husband and I walked it.

In fact, it was while walking to it after the zoo closed and we had to leave that I got a vision of Addison and Derek doing the same thing with their baby. So, I had my very last scene and the happy ending. Still needed to work backwards and get a story to go with it.

I wanted a Derek has to do brain surgery on Addison fic and couldn't find one. So, combined with that desire and the ending scene I already had, that's how this story came to be.

If you could leave a comment, I would appreciate it. I want to know how many readers I kept to the end and the only way I'll know for sure is if you leave a comment on this final chapter.

Thank you and I hope you enjoyed the story as much as I did.


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